Parsonage Ponderings

Compiled by, Darlene G. Snyder


by Connie Coppings
Paintsville,Ky.

When does a pastor and their spouse experience Sabbath? Yes, we're in church every Sunday, but teaching, preaching, assisting with music, attending meetings and ministering to people in need often leave little time to experience restorative worship. Having just come back from a short vacation, I've thought about that several times. We've realized over the past 22 years that it is hard to give out to others when you feel depleted yourself.
I talk to other spouses in ministry and hear phrases such as, "I just can't keep a happy face on 24 hours a day." "My heart is so broken with all the sad things we hear about." "We're thinking about getting out of the ministry." "Does anyone care about our needs?"
Although ministry brings with it many joys, it can take a toll on one's life if you do not do things to feed and nourish your spirit. My husband and I love being in ministry, but we know that we cannot be all things to all people. We worry, get angry, have doubts, feel disappointed, but are sometimes met with such statements as, "I can't believe you think (feel) that way." "I guess I figured you all were so close to God that these things wouldn't happen to you." Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!
I can honestly say that there have been times when I wanted to walk away from people---and the church. Anyone who goes into ministry should not feel surprised---or guilty---for having those feelings. It comes with the job. So, it is vitally important to find ways to replenish your bodies and spirits.
Our Methodist conference offers free opportunities for pastors' families to take a break from the routine and "come apart" for some rest. There is also a Barnabas ministry that has seminars for those in ministry (you can look them up online). Some churches actively encourage their minister and family to take the time away as they realize the benefits not only for the pastor's family, but also for the church.
Even Jesus recognized the need for respites from ministering and often went to the lake or the mountains to do just that. Why should we think that we should do any less.
My husband and I sometimes just go where there are no phones, or where no one knows us. Just being out in nature quiets our hearts and minds, refreshing us to return to the work we love.
If you aren't presently taking "Sabbaths," then I encourage you to do so. What are creative ways you find to recharge your batteries so that you can serve God better?

DESIRE TO BE A TRUE FOLLOWER

Compiled by, Darlene G. Snyder

Diane Braden
O Fallon, MO 63366

I have been married to my husband Joseph for 26 years and we serve at the First Baptist Church of St. Peters, Missouri just outside of St. Louis. Our churches average attendance is around 230 – 250. We have enjoyed serving in ministry together for the past 20 years. We have three boys. Our oldest son Andrew (22) is married. He and his wife, Casey are currently at the Southern Baptist Seminary in Louisville, Kentucky. Our middle son Thomas (19) is out at the Masters College in Santa Clarita, California and our youngest son Grant (15) is in 10th grade being home schooled.
When my husband advises our sons in looking for a godly wife, he suggests that they find a girl who loves the Lord and loves His Church. My advice for women starting out in ministry would be first to make your desire to be a true follower of Jesus Christ, to know Him and to love His Church by consistently attending times of worship, teaching, fellowship and service. Make it your intention to be there on Sunday mornings, Sunday nights, weekday services – each time there is worship/teaching taking place. In this way, as your husband is growing in his studies and learning ministry, you too will grow and learn along with him and those the Lord puts under his teaching. You set the example by attending and coming with an open heart and mind to learn. I believe you will also find that to be the best way to get to know the congregation you serve. In this, you will be is a great support to your husband in his role as pastor, and will build lasting friendships too. My husband has pastored in just two churches. We were in our first church in Sedalia, Missouri for nine years and have been at our current ministry for the past eleven. In going back to our first church, we still have a strong cord of friendship with the believers there. I am ever grateful for them and for how they allowed me to grow and learn much along with my husband, about ministering in those early years.

PARSONAGE PONDERINGS

Compiled by, Darlene G. Snyder

by Connie Coppings
Paintsville, Ky.

I guess you could say the theme of our 22 1/2 years in the pastorate would be "Together in Ministry." From our early days as a parsonage couple we've made it a point for people in the church and community to see us as a team. Now this doesn't mean that I constantly follow my husband to every meeting, or that I'm a part of every conversation he has, but it does mean there are many things we do to show we're united in our ministry and our marriage.
At the end of every service on Sunday morning, we join hands after he pronounces the benediction and walk to the door to greet people together. It is good for the congregation to see us working together. Visitors to our churches often comment on this and say they're never seen that done before. My husband also says it serves a second purpose, he can't keep up with all the things people tell him as they're leaving, so he depends on me to "record and file" all this and tell him later when we get home.
Like most pastors, my husband has to write articles for newsletters and bulletin inserts. He closes each one with "Together in Ministry" and signs our names. Although I do freelance writing, I do not compose these for him, but he has me read them and give feedback. It is a small way I can support him in his work.
Beyond Sunday services, my husband is invited to speak at other functions. I don't have to attend everything and my husband has never asked me to do so. I go to support and encourage him, and I've received so many blessings on those occasions when I've done so instead of sitting at home. I know this is harder for some spouses to do when there are small children or other obligations. However, I encourage you to "be present" whenever possible.
We both feel it is important for others to see good marriages in action. Recently someone asked us to teach a marriage class and we asked them, "Why us?" They commented that so many people had noticed our relationship and they wanted to know how we had accomplished that. We were honored to be asked and a great time teaching the two six-week sessions to engaged and married couples.
Even when we retire someday, it is our hope to continue to serve as a team for as long as we can in whatever way God sees fit to use us.

May God bless you and your spouse as you serve together in ministry. May others see His love and grace in all you do and be drawn to a closer walk with Him.

Five Minutes Worth of Advice

Compiled by, Darlene G. Snyder

Sharon Beougher
Southern Baptist Theological Seminary
Louisville, KY

My husband and I just celebrated our 25th anniversary. It has been my honor to serve with him in the ministry for all those years. We are the parents of four wonderful children. One of my life verses: “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind can conceive what the Lord has prepared for those who love Him.” (Cor. 2:9

If I had five minutes of advice to offer others, this is what it would be:

First of all, God has made you unique! (Psalm 139:13-14) You are not supposed to be like the pastor’s wife down the street, like your friend in another town, or like the previous pastor’s wife of the church where you are. Comparing ourselves to others can stifle the gifts, personalities, and jobs the Lord has for you in the church He has intentionally placed you. Identify your own personality, gifts, passions, and abilities; then be confident of the purpose He has for you. Remember that God called you and you only to be your husband’s helpmeet and He knew what He was doing! If He has called your husband into ministry, He has called you and he will equip you for the good work that He has called you to do. Don’t depend on any human talents or abilities, but allow God to work through your distinct person.

Secondly, be your husband’s greatest cheerleader. As Linda Dillow says in Creative Counterpart, you should “be his greatest fan.” You can encourage him in a way that no one else can. He is looking to you for your respect, admiration, and positive feedback (as well as constructive criticism at the proper time – not Sunday right after church or late Saturday night!) Remember that there will be seasons in your husband’s life when, even though he is trying to put God and family first in his priorities, his ministry will take him away from you. These may include special occasions (funerals and weddings), revivals, speaking engagements, crisis situations, writing deadlines, etc. We can say “My husband (or ‘Daddy’) is gone again,” or we can say “God is using Daddy right now in some special ways and we need to pray for him.”

Thirdly, set parameters where your home can be a place of refuge. Screen phone calls. Do what you can to protect his schedule as much as possible. Don’t over-commit yourself so that you don’t have to be stressed out with all you have to do. Learn to say ‘no’ to good things and save your ‘yes’ for the best things. Be careful not to make your church family a priority over your own family. Your first responsibility is to him and your children.

Fourth, you can “please some of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time.” Even though it may be in your nature to want to be a people-pleaser, it is not going to happen! I am saying that as a person who struggles with being a people-pleaser. I thought I had to say ‘yes’ all the time to please people if they thought I should do something in the church; plus that carried over to me wanting my husband to please everyone in the church. That is definitely not healthy or wise. So – just accept that fact, smile, be sweet, and stay on your knees a lot – and learn to say “no.”

Fifth, pray for wisdom in your speech. Proverbs 31:26 says: “She opens her mouth in wisdom…” Be careful of your speech and what you share with others—especially about your husband or children. I think everyone needs some perspective on a certain situation from a trusted friend, but go to God first, and then perhaps think of a friend or even a counselor who would not be connected to the church. “…and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.” Use your conversation to encourage and uplift others, not to criticize or gossip. And don’t forget to constantly build up your husband—not just others-- in your speech, both publicly and privately!

Sixth, remember that you can “know” your husband in ways that no one else can. Thank God for that privilege and enjoy seeking to meet those intimate needs. He is in the ministry, but he is a man – rejoice in the sexual side of him. Get a Christian book on this subject if you need some new ideas. Surprise him and sometimes try to step outside of your comfort zone to do something to please him.

Seventh, strive to show him respect every day through words, attitudes, and actions. A man needs respect perhaps even more than love. Even if you feel like you don’t respect a decision he has made, a mood he was in at home, or …..(you fill in the blank) Ephesians 5 commands wives to respect their husbands. Figure out what communicates this best to your husband and even when you don’t “feel” like voicing it or showing it, you choose to be holy and obey God rather than react with your emotions.

As my five minutes is over, enjoy the privilege God has given you to be married to your husband. Marriage and ministry are both journeys where you can laugh together, cry together, serve together, and seek to be a team who truly desires to “proclaim [Him], admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom so that we [you] may present everyone perfect in Christ.” (Col. 1:28) Enjoy the ride!