Five Minutes Worth of Advice

Compiled by, Darlene G. Snyder

Sharon Beougher
Southern Baptist Theological Seminary
Louisville, KY

My husband and I just celebrated our 25th anniversary. It has been my honor to serve with him in the ministry for all those years. We are the parents of four wonderful children. One of my life verses: “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind can conceive what the Lord has prepared for those who love Him.” (Cor. 2:9

If I had five minutes of advice to offer others, this is what it would be:

First of all, God has made you unique! (Psalm 139:13-14) You are not supposed to be like the pastor’s wife down the street, like your friend in another town, or like the previous pastor’s wife of the church where you are. Comparing ourselves to others can stifle the gifts, personalities, and jobs the Lord has for you in the church He has intentionally placed you. Identify your own personality, gifts, passions, and abilities; then be confident of the purpose He has for you. Remember that God called you and you only to be your husband’s helpmeet and He knew what He was doing! If He has called your husband into ministry, He has called you and he will equip you for the good work that He has called you to do. Don’t depend on any human talents or abilities, but allow God to work through your distinct person.

Secondly, be your husband’s greatest cheerleader. As Linda Dillow says in Creative Counterpart, you should “be his greatest fan.” You can encourage him in a way that no one else can. He is looking to you for your respect, admiration, and positive feedback (as well as constructive criticism at the proper time – not Sunday right after church or late Saturday night!) Remember that there will be seasons in your husband’s life when, even though he is trying to put God and family first in his priorities, his ministry will take him away from you. These may include special occasions (funerals and weddings), revivals, speaking engagements, crisis situations, writing deadlines, etc. We can say “My husband (or ‘Daddy’) is gone again,” or we can say “God is using Daddy right now in some special ways and we need to pray for him.”

Thirdly, set parameters where your home can be a place of refuge. Screen phone calls. Do what you can to protect his schedule as much as possible. Don’t over-commit yourself so that you don’t have to be stressed out with all you have to do. Learn to say ‘no’ to good things and save your ‘yes’ for the best things. Be careful not to make your church family a priority over your own family. Your first responsibility is to him and your children.

Fourth, you can “please some of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time.” Even though it may be in your nature to want to be a people-pleaser, it is not going to happen! I am saying that as a person who struggles with being a people-pleaser. I thought I had to say ‘yes’ all the time to please people if they thought I should do something in the church; plus that carried over to me wanting my husband to please everyone in the church. That is definitely not healthy or wise. So – just accept that fact, smile, be sweet, and stay on your knees a lot – and learn to say “no.”

Fifth, pray for wisdom in your speech. Proverbs 31:26 says: “She opens her mouth in wisdom…” Be careful of your speech and what you share with others—especially about your husband or children. I think everyone needs some perspective on a certain situation from a trusted friend, but go to God first, and then perhaps think of a friend or even a counselor who would not be connected to the church. “…and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.” Use your conversation to encourage and uplift others, not to criticize or gossip. And don’t forget to constantly build up your husband—not just others-- in your speech, both publicly and privately!

Sixth, remember that you can “know” your husband in ways that no one else can. Thank God for that privilege and enjoy seeking to meet those intimate needs. He is in the ministry, but he is a man – rejoice in the sexual side of him. Get a Christian book on this subject if you need some new ideas. Surprise him and sometimes try to step outside of your comfort zone to do something to please him.

Seventh, strive to show him respect every day through words, attitudes, and actions. A man needs respect perhaps even more than love. Even if you feel like you don’t respect a decision he has made, a mood he was in at home, or …..(you fill in the blank) Ephesians 5 commands wives to respect their husbands. Figure out what communicates this best to your husband and even when you don’t “feel” like voicing it or showing it, you choose to be holy and obey God rather than react with your emotions.

As my five minutes is over, enjoy the privilege God has given you to be married to your husband. Marriage and ministry are both journeys where you can laugh together, cry together, serve together, and seek to be a team who truly desires to “proclaim [Him], admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom so that we [you] may present everyone perfect in Christ.” (Col. 1:28) Enjoy the ride!